adriftingsoul

I forget to be vain at times like these, but my mom had my hair dyed last week, and now, I have a reddish brown hair, that looks totally awesome in sunlight, haha. But I like it better without the sun nor the lights, because it looks like my normal, usual black hair. )))

I think I may just have a problem… with letting go of things that should have been let go of a long time now. I’m getting all crazy for the past few days, i don’t know. Well I have always been crazy, but not this crazy. Crazy now, to the point of talking to myself out loud, reassuring myself that I could finally let go, but I guess, that’s just my normal self. I’m weird, Deal with it. That is what I want to shout for the whole world to hear, that yes, I’m weird, yes, I’m not as pretty as most girls, yes, I’m not as thin as them, yes I am a bit gifted with my height, but heck, I’m proud of it now. Prouder than ever before. I usually have my self-esteem at a certain low point for the past few years because of constant abuse and bullying from folks in high school. But I’ve come to face these imperfectness as my reality, and embrace myself for what I truly am. They called me the tender giantress in high school. Yeah, I do have soft spots, emotional spots I might add, but I’m not terrifyingly ugly, or maybe babies are the only ones that think of me that way, or even I guess the bullies from the past. 

Truly, I want to let go of the things that make me miserable, but I do not know why they keep coming back. These uncertain feelings, or just wayward feelings for people that I have and had, just keeps coming back, haunting me. Not necessarily miserable, but a better term for it is I guess, lonely and sad. Because the two are two different things. Yes, I am lonely, and yes I am sad. Some of the things I need to let go of, have made me happy, even happier that i could ever be, but I guess, those things just gave me temporary happiness, and I just need to flush out these toxins so that I could properly jumpstart my life for a better me. A better Gelli, that one can proudly say “She’s my best friend in the whole world!” or “She takes care of everyone selflessly and I admire her for that!”. But sad to say, that won’t happen yet, huh. I guess I just need to face the fact that not all things can be let go of in an instant, it takes time. It takes experience and focus and a peace of mind to let go of certain things that should have been out of one’s system already.

I think I may just have a problem… with letting go of things that should have been let go of a long time now. I’m getting all crazy for the past few days, i don’t know. Well I have always been crazy, but not this crazy. Crazy now, to the point of talking to myself out loud, reassuring myself that I could finally let go, but I guess, that’s just my normal self. I’m weird, Deal with it. That is what I want to shout for the whole world to hear, that yes, I’m weird, yes, I’m not as pretty as most girls, yes, I’m not as thin as them, yes I am a bit gifted with my height, but heck, I’m proud of it now. Prouder than ever before. I usually have my self-esteem at a certain low point for the past few years because of constant abuse and bullying from folks in high school. But I’ve come to face these imperfectness as my reality, and embrace myself for what I truly am. They called me the tender giantress in high school. Yeah, I do have soft spots, emotional spots I might add, but I’m not terrifyingly ugly, or maybe babies are the only ones that think of me that way, or even I guess the bullies from the past. 

Truly, I want to let go of the things that make me miserable, but I do not know why they keep coming back. These uncertain feelings, or just wayward feelings for people that I have and had, just keeps coming back, haunting me. Not necessarily miserable, but a better term for it is I guess, lonely and sad. Because the two are two different things. Yes, I am lonely, and yes I am sad. Some of the things I need to let go of, have made me happy, even happier that i could ever be, but I guess, those things just gave me temporary happiness, and I just need to flush out these toxins so that I could properly jumpstart my life for a better me. A better Gelli, that one can proudly say “She’s my best friend in the whole world!” or “She takes care of everyone selflessly and I admire her for that!”. But sad to say, that won’t happen yet, huh. I guess I just need to face the fact that not all things can be let go of in an instant, it takes time. It takes experience and focus and a peace of mind to let go of certain things that should have been out of one’s system already.

Goldie, my almost four months old golden retriever, is stubborn and naughty. She is really as stubborn as me. I don’t know why I just compared myself with the pup that cannot take a bath for a week because of her shots, but still. She wants to be fed, she’s choosy with her food. Heck she doesn’t want to be taught on how to properly drink at the dispenser, nor on basic obedience training. All she wants to do is to dig, dig and dig. She’s playful and friendly in a way, but a lot of times, she just likes to bite people’s arms.  

There are moments that I regret not getting aoife instead of Goldie as the puppy. Goldie, she’s the youngest among the pups, and well maybe that’s why she’s the most playful one in the bunch, but hey. Dad likes her and he treats her as if she was his daughter or grand daughter. There’s someone dad could take care of who’s not me nor brother. I guess I’m happy with that, now that my dad can take care of someone else rather than me, but then again.. She is stubborn like me, doesn’t want to be taught, doesn’t want to be tickled and I guess, can’t stand to be still. 

why oh why, are you becoming more and more irresistible? Is it why they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? or is it the lack of communication that suddenly urges me to communicate with you again? 

sorry, i’m becoming crazy again. i must therefore, take my nap. nap, nap, nap. i love naps. makes me widely awake at night.

Why won’t you talk to me anymore? Did I do something wrong? Well, maybe I did. But, that’s not the point. You accepted what I had said last year and you kept talking to me then. I’m still dropping hints up until now, but to no avail, you don’t budge. Have we really grown apart? I want to know. I just want to know what you’re up to. I’m not stalking you or anything. But I do want to talk to you again. 

You know what irks me the most? It was that when I’ve told you how I really felt, you were still friendly, as a matter of fact, you had started hugging me. What was that for? Saying goodbye or something? No. You hugged me thrice, man. How does that make me feel, huh? You made me confuse. Your actions did. Your actions made me think that there was something there, but I guess not.

I just want to be happy again, the way you made me felt last year. But, how can you do that, if you don’t talk to me anymore? I miss my friend. I just want you to be here, with me, that way, i could still share you my daily ups and downs and the tv shows i’ve been watching.

Oh speaking of, you blocked that happiness of mine last month. I shared to you the tv shows that i currently love and you bragged that, you have been watching them even before i did. Dude, why, why on earth would you be so heartless to me in that topic? ERR.

There’s only one way i can really share to the world how I feel, and it is through writing. Maybe because when I try to show my feelings through my actions, the actions never seem to be enough to show my true emotion. 

I don’t get it. Why do people think that when you’re good at doing papers, they’re the ones going to slack off and let you do all the work? Why is it that at the most crucial time for working the papers out, these lowlife free riders never seem to be in sight. 

I hate i. I hate the produce of our term paper. I wasn’t even half done, and time was not enough to finish that paper. You know why? Because I was picking up all of their slacks!  I didn’t need to act like I was the group leader, but no one seemed to step up. Fucking lowlifes. 

The paper was just all over the place. and you. YOU RUINED THE PAPER! let alone, doing the printing, you sucked more! GRRR. I carefully planned out the layout of the paper, fixed them before I told one of my groupmates to put the abstract and the JEL classification number. What did you do? You told her to put the JEL classification number on the header, ARE YOU AN IDIOT OR SOMETHING?!?!?

~in FILIPINO~

Nagmamagaling ka ba? Bakit, may ginawa ka ba dyan sa paper na yan ha?! Regression na nga lang di mo magawa ng maayos! di pa nga yata ikaw ang gumawa nyan eh! bakit ba, porket mayaman ka at pwede mo na gawin lahat ng gusto mo, e di ka na gagawa ng mga tungkulin mo bilang estudyante? Marunong ka naman sana mahiya diba? First draft ng paper na ito, hindi ako natulog para lang matapos iyon. Isipin mong nakabangga pa ko ng sasakyan eh. Dapat singilin kita dahil ikaw ang may sala rito!

Tapos ngayon, tinulugan mo lang kaming lahat. Di ko na nilagay ang mga ginawa mo dahil mas ikakahiya ko pa ang ipasa ang mga ginawa mo kesa sa ipasa ang paper na ginawa namin! Dahil ikaw, ikaw ang dahilan ng lahat lahat ng problema namin sa paper na ito! 

Kasi, wala ka sigurong ginagawa kundi kumain ng kumain, magpalawak ka pa ng tiyan mo. O kung nag gygym ka man, hindi halata. Lahat kami galit na galit sayo. Hindi lang ang mga kagrupo mo kundi buong klase. Sino kakampihan nila? Ako na nagpapakahirap gumawa ng paper kahit na di nyo ko sinisipot sa mga meetings, o ikaw na napaka dambuhala na nagmamarunong, kahit wala naman kaalam alam sa mundo!

Paano ka nakapasa sa kurso mo? You’re not even good at writing, nor at solving anything! muntik ka na bumagsak sa majors mo last term. Now, I wish, you fail your majors this term. Because you deserve not a single grade that you’ve gotten since got to dlsu. 

Yes, i am this angry as I have not slept well, and to the fact that he ruined the paper that I have sewn piece by piece!! It’s not fair that our group will get a low grade just because we didnt cut you off as our groupmate. I just pitied you that i did not take you out of the group. Dumbass.

A very quick post before I go to bed and wake up 4 hours later! 

I am secretly annoyed with people I know of and interact with at school. Maybe they’re annoyed with me too. But, I should be the one doing all the complaining and be all judgmental, after all, I have used 8 hours just to get these data, and nobody, and i mean nobody helped me get these data. I found a way to regress, but yea, no one helped me there either. Am I the only one doing all the work? No. Only 3 of us are. the other two are just epic failures in life. One loves to party, and the other one loves to slack off and eat a lot. Well who the fuck cares?! I need to get a high grade in this subject as I love my parents so much that I don’t want them to think I’m wasting their money. and I would love to get a great job after college, that’s why i’m doing all this. GRR. 

Okay, now, I’m done ranting. Time to go off to dreamland!